DESPICABLE ME 3 – COTTON CANDY FOR THE BRAIN

SHORT TAKE:
 
Despicable Me 3 is harmlessly stupid but missed the chance to make a really good movie.
LONG TAKE:
 
The title of this blog, if you're wondering, is a homage to Conspiracy Theory where SPOILERS!!! Patrick Stewart, as the bad guy, refers to the brain numbing chemical he administers to Mel Gibson's innocent Joe, as "gravy for the brain". I suggest DM3 is more like cotton candy for the brain. Cotton candy is pointless. It’s fun, fluffy and brightly colored, gives you a quick rush of pleasure but is not particularly satisfying, can give you cavities and if you eat too much will make you sick. Despicable Me 3, aside from the cavities part, is the cotton candy of movies.
 
Now – keep in mind I LIKE cotton candy. But in small amounts. As a 15 minute short DM3 would have been cute. But watching 90 minutes of the THIRD installment of this franchise is a bit much.
 
SPOILERS!!!
The premise of the trilogy is that Gru (Steve Carrel), a repentant super villain, has  adopted the three orphan girls from the first movie, married Lucy (Kristen Wiig), a super “anti-villain” spy from the second movie and made a home and family for them all. Then a challenge to their situation comes when the new boss fires both Gru and Lucy. In a Fraternis ex Machina, Gru is summoned by his previously unknown rich twin brother, Dru, who wants to learn how to commit crimes. Problem is Gru gave up the life of crime for Lucy and the girls. Gru succumbs to the idea of reverting back to his old ways for just one more heist and calamities follow. Eventually Gru and his brother come to terms during a dangerous mission, Gru recommits to being a good guy and all’s well at the end. That’s a good thing and a nice moral to teach kids.
 
 
Lucy – the adoptive super spy mom – is very conscious of her responsibilities and is naturally very protective of her charges. That is a good thing too.
The orphan kids are cute and a side story about Agnes, the youngest learning there is no such thing as a unicorn is kind of adorable. Gru is very protective of the children’s innocence and strives to keep them that way – which is a very laudable attitude to portray. When Gru takes gentle command of the unicorn situation and explains the truth to her Agnes still loves the “scratched and dented” goat she thought was a unicorn. It is a very nice subplot and provides a surprisingly warm and developed moment of bonding between Gru the adoptive-Dad and Agnes. But those kinds of moments are few and far between.
This whole theme was far better fleshed out in Shrek Forever After – where Shrek, former ogre and now husband, father and hero to his neighbors,  gets tired of his routine and wishes to be a real ogre again – an opportunity to be free of his responsibilities for a day and  revert to his former bad ways – and then discovers the consequences of his wish are catastrophic.
 
Most of DM3 is preoccupied with silly slapstick forced into the story-line, butt wagging sight gags by the 1980's obsessed super villain Bratt, minion fart jokes, and other butt related “humor”. A little bit of “minion” goes a long way. But it is a one note joke – a plethora of plastic yellow Mexican jumping bean side kicks who speak a Slavic-like version of pig Latin and like to get into mischief – can only take you so far comedically. Unfortunately, they have beaten that dead horse flat as a pancake with these little pill shaped banana eaters. 
The recurring motto "I've been a bad boy" of Bratt – former child star of Evil Bratt turned super villain – became cringe worthy annoying, the excerpts of Evil Bratt where the lead is a child villain who successfully gets to wreck havoc were frankly not something I would have wanted my child to see or wish to imitate, and the repetitive pseudo "sexy" '80's homage behind wiggling  was really not appropriate for a movie aimed at young children.
The minions did have one shining moment however. Chased into a singing TV show competition, they break into a clever Minionese version of the "Major-General’s Song" from the Pirates of Penzance. This scene should end up on a Youtube somewhere so you don't have to sit through the whole movie to see it. If DM3 had put MORE class like that into their humor it would have been a far better movie. But instead of Bugs Bunny-ing more classics into the minion characters they mostly relied on the now extremely fatigued minion slap stick which has become their tired trademark.
 
The writers of Toy Story and Cars have upped their game and produced good movies with maturing characters and explored, in fun ways, some complex fundamental themes of human nature: what is the purpose of parents when their children grow up and leave home, overcoming jealousy and sharing authority, having the humility to hand over the crown when your time is up. But Despicable Me’s creators apparently do not have the courage for this but instead lean dependently on the same old vaudevillian banana slipping knee slaps.
Sadly, there was an opportunity to make a really good movie buried in the storyline: the minions seem to be able to do ANYTHING yet – they keep doing the SAME thing over and over and over and over and over whereas they could have done more classic take offs or made more capital out of their uniform cookie cutter physiques. Instead of continuing to act like a hive mind amoeba, they could have examined how to stand out in a crowd, played with the evils of an Orwellian 1984 or a Fritz Lang Metropolis-like work force where everyone is the same….but they didn’t.
Then there is Gru, the husband and father who wishes to relive his glory days, is enticed by an immature brother to moral regression, comes to grips with doing the right thing, learns that being a good father and an honest husband is vastly more valuable than all of the riches he used to think so important……….but alas,  that is not the movie they made either, but merely the excuses for more mindless merriment.
 
There were tiny glimmers of what the authors were capable in the Agnes-Gru scene and the send up of the Pirates of Penzance, but it was only enough to make you hunger for more than the brain full of cotton candy that is Despicable Me 3.
 
*sigh*

TRANSFORMERS – LAST KNIGHT: TRANSFORMIUM TURKEY

SHORT TAKE: Not even the presence of Sir Anthony Hopkins and the adorable Mark Wahlberg can save this awful outing of numbingly repetitive action scenes, plotholes and unfollowable script.
 
LONG VERSION:
 
I would watch Anthony Hopkins read the phone book. I’ve been a fan of his since I saw him as Corky Withers, the eccentric troubled ventriloquist in the 1978 suspense thriller Magic. He has played a priest, a psychic, a serial killer, Odin, Richard the Lionheart, a veterinarian, a cad, a butler, Charlie Chaplin’s biographer, a truly terrible Zorro and C.S. Lewis. I have LOVED everything I have seen him in. Even if he is bad he is wonderful. There is something captivating about every performance he gives. And it’s a good thing he has a lot of scenes in Transformers because it is the only thing that kept me sitting through Transformers – The Last Knight.
 
You know – it was bad enough that Disney created an entire string of movies based upon a single image in a Disney ride. Now we are treated to a series of movies based upon a combination of a Japanese toy bought out by Hasbro and Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots marketed by Mattel.
I’ve never been a big Transformers fan anyway, but had great hopes for what I thought a genuinely clever idea: that the magic of the Arthurian legends was, what has been described by Arthur C Clarke as “sufficiently advanced technology”.
 
The premise is that Merlin was a drunken charlatan who comes upon a crashed Transformer, from whom Merlin prevails by way of the Transformer’s better nature to aid King Arthur in his quest to unite the world to a civilized society against the barbarian hordes  – to gift him with an ancient staff and to fight as a metal dragon to defeat the barbarians. Why this Transformer trusts Merlin, how Merlin found him and how this self-proclaimed alcoholic incompetent manages to control such advanced weaponry so that it fights against the right group and doesn’t just massacre everyone is never explained. Same goes with most of the rest of the movie. Terms are thrown around like: TRF, the “talsiman”, infernocons, Steelbane, Decepticons, Megatron, Knights of Cybertron, Unicron, etc – which, I suppose if you are an initiate into the Transformer franchise the lexicon will make sense. But every movie should stand on its own. It should not rely so heavily on previous movies that it leaves you head scratching through most of the movie.
The plot never covers why Cade (Mark Wahlberg) is hanging out in a devastated and abandoned Chicago (or why Chicago is abandoned – it's not radioactive or anything) tending to critters the rest of the world is out to kill…..or fight with, depending on where you are in the story. It is never convincingly explained why our military is ordered to change allegiances mid-way through the movie. The characters are never seriously injured…or DIE…from impacts, falls, crashes, shock waves, or other events which would break the bones, crush the skulls, concuss, or rupture organs in us mere mortals. Aside from abrogating ALL tension or concern about the characters it is so blatant that it impairs the already tenuous suspension of disbelief necessary for all good stories. And the constant action is never done in such a way as to give you a clear clue as to who you are supposed to be rooting for. The Decepticons look so much like the Autobots which look like the Knights – and they all fight against or with each other depending upon the minute marker in the movie but without much regard to any explanation or convincing motivation by the characters.
 
 
Thinking I must have missed something in a previous movie, I went back and read the plot lines of all the other Transformer movies: Transformers, Revenge of the Fallen, Dark of the Moon, and Age of Extinction. The stories all read like an excited little boys’ fantasy play fresh from opening his birthday toys with his older brother who throws in a few scantily clad girls right from his own fantasies to keep things interesting for himself.
 
 
Why would advanced technological metal alien life forms take on the attitude and appearance of: samurai, sleazy traveling salesmen, caricature cigar chewing (why would a metal alien chew a cigar???) Sergeant from stock World War II movies. Why would an advanced metal alien which can blend together to make a larger robot then separate again, fly across the galaxy, and utilize technology that can bring metal appliances to life —- not be able to fix the voice box of one of its own? That is just a dumb affectation.
Stan Tucci is amusing in the beginning as the discount Lord of the Rings Dwarf-like reprobate Merlin. And I love Mark Wahlberg. I think he did a stupendous job in Lone Survivor. I am proud to call him a fellow Catholic. I think he is a wonderful comic actor. And he did a good job trying to slog through this movie with character intact. But if even Sir Anthony Hopkins couldn’t save this Transformium turkey then it was a cinch he couldn’t either.
It is obvious that the makers of these movies really love their subject. They come to it with an enormous amount of zeal and enthusiasm. But I was sorely disappointed in their handling of what could have been a creative approach to this worn out and poorly conceived franchise. Like a child on a sugar high who can’t get three coherent sentences out in describing their new toys,  Michael Bay, his scriptwriters and team mates just throw incomprehensible fight scene after fight scene at us until we are too fatigued to pay attention any more.
 
If you ever get this as part of your Netflix or Amazon prime – for free or next to free, you might want to fast forward to the scenes with Sir Anthony as Sir Edmund Burton – where he narrates the Arthurian legend behind the Transformers attachment to Earth in general and mankind in particular. The imagery of the classic Knights of the Round table flanked by the Transformer Knights is pretty cool. But, unfortunately, that was the highlight of the movie.
 
On top of that there is unnecessary profanity, some of it coming out of the mouth of a 14 year old girl who is crow-barred into the story to give Wahlberg’s character, Cade, a pseudo-daughter to protect.
 
*sigh*
 
Sad to say – Transformers – Last Knight is about as clunky as the Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots upon which they are partly based. So if you want something with a bit more dignity, creativity and majesty about knights and magic and alien environments then go watch Thor instead…. or Excalibur…or Bugs Bunny in King Arthur's Court.

WHY I CHANGED MY BANNER …… or …… NO ONE TRIES TO MAKE A BAD MOVIE

 
You might have noticed – or not – but I changed my banner from “Movie reviews by a homeschool mom” to "NO ONE TRIES TO MAKE A BAD MOVIE". Well, for one thing, now that all six of our kids are graduated from high school I’m more an emeritus homeschooler. Granted, like the Marines, once a homeschooler, always a homeschooler – as in, it’s a philosophy, not a curriculum. BUT with the advent of this minor tidal change in our family I thought I might share one of the underlying perspectives I have always had when writing reviews.
 
 
A long time ago – BC (as in before children) – I worked outside the house. The business I worked for had reason to employ a little known and independent film director/writer named Bill Kirksey to, basically, provide a seminar on film making.
 
 
To briefly digress:  Every now and again someone tells me something that shifts my perception of the world just a little. One of those times was “told” to me in a book by Dorothy and Raymond Moore titled Better Late Than Early.
 
 
The first part of the book was cautionary advice on NOT rushing your child to “excellence”. NOT trying to create a super child – which we, as two Type A behavior parents were trying to do to our first child. Embracing this sage advice I continued reading the rest of the book which went on to expound the virtues of homeschooling. As soon as I read that that was a possibility it seemed so obvious: Why did I not see it before?! Why would I pay to send my child off to be taught by total strangers when I can simply continue to teach my child myself!!??
 

Sort of like the paper clip. You might never have thought of it yourself, but when someone explains it to you it seems so EASY!

So it was with something said by Mr. Kirksey. We were discussing the dearth of really good current movies. One explanation, of course, is that every age has bad entertainment. It is only the really good stuff that survives for later generations to partake. But, I commented, there had been recently (this was the 1980's) so MANY VERY bad movies that it seemed as though Hollywood was actually TRYING to make bad movies.

“Oh no!” he countered. “NO one TRIES to make a bad movie. Everyone is trying to make a masterpiece. It’s just that some people are not very good at it.”
 
 
And yes, all of the above pictured turkeys came out in the '80's. Though, for the record, I actually liked Ice Pirates and for reasons I will explain a bit further down I am personally fond of the truly terrible Cat People. One of the movies featured above, Heaven's Gate, was SO bad it actually tolled the demise of United Artists in 1981, a studio that had been in existence since 1919, by costing $44 million and bringing in a rousing …. $3 million.
 
And it hit me, as the homeschool moment would almost a decade later, that everyone is doing their dead level best to produce a work in their genre that others will want to see. And OK, maybe this was patently obvious to everyone else in the solar system except me, but this simple statement acted upon me like a light in the dark for someone trying to find a missing penny.
 
 
It made sense: every film maker – no matter how talented or crass or literate or unintelligible is attempting to contribute something profound…… or at least interesting…..or at least profitable.
 
 
That doesn’t mean the motives are necessarily lofty. It is a business – I can respect that (as long as it is not disreputable or advocating criminal or despicable acts). Most filmmakers are trying to make money. To that end they want people to watch it and if it isn’t compelling no one will bother. Even people making propaganda hit pieces, like the ridiculous mumbo jumbo from the left, are attempting to make the BEST propaganda they can, to convince as many people as they can to their opinion. And, I would say, even at the darkest end of the spectrum – those who create the most shady and disreputable films, they are trying to make the best ones they can, because they, too, seek to entice an audience into a theater.
This is why when I review even films which I do not like, or which I think poorly done – like Assassin’s Creed – I try to find some merit in them – because there is usually SOMETHING in there worthy of praise. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic and sometimes you have to look REALLY REALLY hard —- but it’s usually there.
 
 
Maybe it’s because I write screenplays too and have not yet been produced so understand the frustration and obstacles which wanna be film makers face. Maybe it’s because I have read about the making of movies, lots of biographies and autobiographies. Two of my favorites are Michael Caine’s What’s it All About and William Shatner’s Up Til Now. And there are other tomes on film analysis –
 
on both successful movies, like Carl Gottlieb’s The Jaws Log, about the eccentric creation of Spielberg's career maker — and on disasters, like Heaven’s Gate, about which you can read in Steven Bach’s observations of a financial and creative train wreck, titled Final Cut. These books track the tortuous and detailed epic campaigns required to make a movie. There is an old saying – never seek to see how laws or sausage are made. The same could be said about film making. It’s an amazing business, but it’s a business. Much of it, like my Dad used to say about his experiences in the military, involves a lot of hurry up and WAIT!
 
I once was a crew assistant on Cat People. My job was the complex and intricately skilled responsibility of standing outside the perimeter of an area of a zoo where filming was taking place and asking passersby not to go any further…… That was it….. All day. I DID get to see Natsha Kinski as she walked by though. I wanted to say something memorable. So I wisely emoted: “You look very nice.” She seemed pleased. She was very sweet.
 
 
 
The POINT I’m making is that film MAKING isn’t always as exciting as WATCHING the final product. And whether the final outcome will be a blockbuster, a cult favorite, a respectable resume enhancer for the next celebrity, an art house head scratcher, a forgettable turkey, or a straight to DVD moderate success, it is a difficult, arduous process, often with all the glamor of mixing concrete. The people on the set are working hard, sometimes at sheer drudgery, in a professional capacity to do the best job they can – if for no OTHER reason than so they will get hired on the next set so they can pay their mortgage or for their kids’ orthodontic bills, just like the rest of us.
Michael Caine once was asked how on EARTH he could have been in the Oscar winning Hannah and Her Sisters in the SAME year he starred in the excruciatingly AWFUL Jaws 3. His answer (I paraphrase): “Because I had a mortgage to pay.”
No one ever looks at an ugly building and says – they must have WANTED to make an ugly building. No – they wanted it to be a safe and usable building. If that was accomplished then fine. No one ever had a meal at a restaurant and thought the chef WANTED to make it taste bad. Even if you were angry or disappointed you would understand it was an accident and know the chef was likely trying to do a good job but had a bad day or burnt something or was understaffed – whatever. But most people would never assume they WANTED to make a bad building or a bad meal. Even if you, as a consumer, did not like what was produced you would assume the creative mind behind it was trying to do their best – even if you, as a consumer did not think their best was good enough for you.
 
By the same token people who make movies really are trying to make the best movie they can. Even if I do not like the movie or the theme or the concepts which drove the idea behind it I understand the creative forces behind them were doing their best. So the movies I choose to review I want to respect from that point of view.
I may be harsh or even derisive but I do try to find that little bit of gold I always hope is somewhere in the mud. Maybe I’m like the kid who digs in a pile of manure sure there must be a pony if I only dig deeply enough. But knowing how difficult getting ANYTHING onto the screen is, I find myself compelled to seek out at least a seed of virtue.
To that end you ADULTS might want to put on your movie bucket list Ed Wood. It stars Johnny Depp as the man “credited” with making some of the worst movies of all time, including Plan 9 From Outer Space and Glen or Glenda. Wood, according to the story, was really trying to make the best movie he could. He just wasn’t very good AT it. But he was NOT TRYING to make a bad movie.
So next time you see a movie that just did not ring many bells for you, remember, be kind and see if you can think of anything good about it, because  the movies themselves were not bad – to paraphrase Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit – "They were just filmed that way."

MEET JERICA HENLINE – SCREENWRITER OF POLYCARP

Back in April, 2017 I was pleased to post my interview with Garry Nation, star of Polycarp.  I am now delighted to announce that our Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception here in Lake Charles will be hosting a showing of Polycarp on Saturday, July 15, 2017 at 6 pm at the Ave Maria Hall at 935  Kirby Street in Lake Charles, LA, across from the Cathedral. I would encourage everyone and anyone interested in independent film making in general or this wonderful adaptation of the last months of this saint, bishop and martyr’s life in particular to come to this FREE showing. Our Youth group will be selling treats as part of a fund raiser during the show, so bring your appetite for snacks as well as your hunger for good wholesome entertainment.

And now meet Polycarp‘s extraordinary and talented young screenplay writer – Jerica Henline – whose patience and generosity of spirit allowed me to film this interview.

CLICK ON THE PICTURES TO BE DIRECTED TO THE APPROPRIATE YOUTUBES.

Jerica Henline introduces herself and describes what inspired her to write Polycarp.

Jerica Henline explains what, to her, is the most important theme in Polycarp.

Jerica Henline describes her favorite scene in her screenplay Polycarp.

Jerica Henline, screenwriter of Polycarp, explains how she and brother Joe became involved in film making.

Jerica Henline describes how to contact Henline Productions or purchase their products, including their 2015 production, Polycarp.

 

 

 

CARS 3: THE BEST OF THE TRILOGY

SHORT TAKE: Cars 3 is a massive improvement over Cars 2 and just as much fun but with an arguably better story than even the original Cars. Get the kids to take Dad for Father's Day.
 
LONG TAKE:
 
Cars was a clever remake of an old Michael J Fox movie called Doc Hollywood, about a hot shot doctor with dreams of getting rich out in California as a plastic surgeon to the stars. He crashes in a small rural burb and the judge sentences him to assisting around town where he learns that flashier and faster isn’t always better. It’s a very funny and charmingly whimsical movie, well worth your time. And Cars pretty much told the same story.
 
Toy Story made animated cinematic history by managing to create sequels arguably equal to or even better than the first. The secret to Toy Story's success: the plot. The writers didn't stagnate the characters or rehash the same conflicts, like some poorly written sitcom. Instead, the Toy Story franchise creators smartly chose to foster the development and maturation of the characters, extolling virtues like humility and self sacrifice along the way.
I am delighted to say that Cars 3 follows in Toy Story’s footsteps and not its own. Cars was a cute but forgettable knock off of a light rom com MJ Fox vehicle. Cars 2 was disappointing and somewhat inane. Cars 3 brings back everything that made the original Cars movie fun for the kids and satisfying for the adults and MORE, contributing an intelligent script which is silly enough for the kiddies but thoughtful enough to keep the parents interested.
 
Much like how Mary Poppins was really an advisory tale for fathers who were lured into watching by bringing the kids, Cars 3 is a wonderful story about the importance of fatherly role models as well as a cautionary tale for anyone who can appreciate that old Bruce Springsteen song “Glory Days” which will “pass you by…in the wink of a young girl’s eye”. As a matter of fact this song is featured as a remix during the movie. What happens when you’ve reached and passed your peak in whatever you do and you see young hot rods in your rearview mirror closing in on your tailpipe? If you live long enough you can’t control aging (that may sound dumb but it’s even dumber watching the botox shot and plastic surgery set try), but you CAN control your response to that inevitable event and your character will determine what that response will be.
 
I was charmed by the writers’ thoughtful development of Lightning McQueen, as well as the virtues of honest self-assessment, altruism, and courage included in the story.
 
I highly recommend the kids go and take the parents, especially the dads, this Father’s Day weekend.
 
Meanwhile meet some of the actors who artfully and respectfully bring life to a bunch of anthropomorphized transport vehicles:
 
Owen (Marley & Me, and the Night at the Museum franchise) Wilson is Lightning McQueen whose laid back snarkiness from Cars has been polished to a down home self-confidence in Cars 3.
]Larry the Cable Guy is Mater….who I love. (And who provides the only truly funny line in Cars 2 “Do not try the free pistachio ice cream! It done turn!!!!” Oh no! Now you’ll have to see the goofy Cars 2 to find out what that line means.) Mater is Mater, the adorably clueless and staunchly loyal best friend of McQueen.
 
 
Nathan (Firefly and Castle) Fillion is Sterling, McQueen’s new opportunistic sponsor.
 
Armie (Lone Ranger) Hammer is Storm, McQueen’s new main rival and representative of the up and coming generation of gizmo heavy competitors.
 
Bonnie (Jumanji) Hunt is Sally, McQueen’s faithful love interest. 
 
 
Cristela Alonzo is Cruz, McQueen’s trainer.
 
The duo of Ray and (the late) Tom Magliozzi – the stars of Car Talk aka Click and Clack aka The Tappett Brothers – do the voices of Dusty and Rusty – old friends and previous sponsors of McQueen’s, who do a cute and funny rendition of themselves.
 
Then there is the ubiquitous John Ratzenberger as Mack – the Mack truck and driver for McQueen.
 
Chris (from The Patriot and two Bourne movies) Cooper is Smokey – old Doc Hudson’s mentor.
 
And the late Paul Newman reprises the voice of Doc Hudson in “flashback”.
 
There are also two bits of lagniappe: a charming little short called LOU to warm up the audience about a playground bully who gets his cumupance in a lovely way, and a throw away Easter Egg at the tip end of Cars 3's credits featuring Mater with which I wish they had done more. This last is about my only big complaint about Cars 3.
 
All in all it was a great show and about 100 laps’ length better than its immediate predecessor. Bring the Dads to go see Cars 3 for Father’s Day. The kids will enjoy it too.

THE MUMMY – LIVE ACTION COMIC BOOK FUN

SHORT TAKE: The Mummy is a live action comic book – the trial run for Universal’s new Dark World franchise. It ain’t Shakespeare – or Wonder Woman – but it’s a lot of ridiculous fun.
MY TAKE:
When I was a 5 year old there was no such thing as iPods, DVDs, Nintendo, Gameboys or even cell phones. So when our family traveled in my dad’s Oldsmobile from New Orleans, LA to Disneyland in 1964, in order to keep his youngest child (me) occupied, whenever he stopped for gas he’d go into the station and buy a copy of every age appropriate comic book he could find. I must have read a hundred Superman, Superboy, Supergirl, Casper the Friendly Ghost, Spiderman, Fantastic Four, and Wendy the Good Little Witch magazines. So I’ve always had a  soft spot for comic books.
Jump forward 53 years. My husband and I went to go see The Mummy – a movie 118 years in the making. No kidding. 1899 was the birth year of possibly the very first movie about a mummy – a silent short called Cleopatra’s Tomb directed by George Melies – the same auteur who directed 526 silent shorts, including the famous A Trip to the Moon
So how does our trip to see The Mouse in 1964 connect with 2017’s  The Mummy? Well…I was puzzled by my own reaction to The Mummy. While I love a well done scare fest, I usually spend a good deal of time watching it through my fingers and feeling creeped out and looking underneath my car before I get in it in the parking lot. But despite The Mummy being full of staggering mummies, zombified victims, living sandstorms, and other monsters (I will not now name for the sake of spoiler prevention), I came out of the movie feeling like a bouncy kid. I suddenly realized The Mummy is not actually a horror movie – it is really an extremely well done, well plotted, well performed live action comic book!
Wisecracking, never to be taken completely seriously leading man with flawed motives, vivid images, wildly outrageous developments:  massive flock of birds taking down a military plane, a mysterious cavern found by chance by two mercenaries, the dead being brought back to life as the mummy’s slave, a pit hiding a terrible secret under a pool of mercury, an underground secret science lab full of enough sparking and exploding electric tubes to swell the heart of Kenneth (1931 Frankenstein prop master) Strickfaden, evil incarnate in the form of a beautiful scantily clad tatooed woman. The Mummy throws in homages or outright supporting spots to a number of other monster stories.
I can picture the comic book panels to almost every scene in the movie.
It has all the tongue in “shriek” of Hugh Jackman’s Van Helsing, John Landis’ American Werewolf in London, the troll in the bathroom scene from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, and  Goosebumps – the movie about RL Stine’s fictions coming to life. No matter how much they amp up the scare factor you just can’t take it seriously enough to be disturbed.
SPOILERS FOR NEXT TWO PARAGRAPHS – ESPECIALLY EGREGIOUS AS THESE SPOILERS REVEAL “PUNCH LINES”
And how CAN you take a movie seriously when the lead, Nick Morton (Tom Cruise) has a quippy argument in a woman’s bathroom with his recently deceased best friend Chris Vail (Jake Johnson) on whether Nick was justified in shooting Chris just because Chris was trying to stab everyone around him after he had been zombified by the Mummy Princess Ahmanet???
And somehow the terror value is (intentionally) lost when Ahmanet has Nick held down by her zombie minions and is preparing to stab him with a ritual knife. See –  as she pulls his shirt up and rakes her fingers down his torso …. Nick starts laughing because he’s ticklish!!
OK – SPOILER FREE REST OF REVIEW!!!
The above mentioned scenes come within an inch of opera buffa or even outtake qualities but fit nicely with the tone of the rest of the movie.
And it makes sense because apparently Universal is starting its own franchise of “Dark Universe” films of which this is the golden nail in the railroad track. I can foresee it entirely possible to put all these worlds: DC, Marvel, Dark Universe within each others’ reach. And OH what mash ups are possible.
And why not! Within the last 118 years there have been mummy link ups with everything from Laurel and Hardy to Sherlock Holmes. AND, while we’re at it – why not the Hulk with Frankenstein or Dracula with Batman or Creature from the Black Lagoon with Aquaman? There really is no reason not to – if you can write a good enough plot and theme to go with it. If the scriptwriters can create the masterpiece that is Wonder Woman, then I suspect not even the sky’s the limit.
From Cleopatra’s Tomb to this year’s The Mummy, there have been over 402 films with a mummy theme – entries ranging from Laurel and Hardy, Charlie Chan, Scooby Do and the Three Stoogesto the iconic Boris Karloff 1932 classic entry The Mummy, to the Brandon Fraser semi-parody Mummy franchise. There have been mummy movies with Sherlock Holmes, Abbot and Costello, and even Tom Baker’s Dr. Who! There have been mummy movies which have been frightening, suspenseful, and comic – sometimes a combination and sometimes unintentionally one or the other. And there is one my husband and I have determined we MUST see sometime soon called Bubba HoTep about an Elvis impersonator in a nursing home who thinks he’s the original and a black man convinced he is JFK dyed black by LBJ as part of a failed assassination attempt.The two team up to save their fellow residents from a shambling resurrected mummy – which makes some kind of sense because a mummy has a fighting chance against elderly which it would not have against more fleet of foot younger potential victims……I am SO not kidding. This is a real movie. Though I suspect NOT for the kiddies or the easily offended – so be advised.
Obviously, this is not a topic to be taken very seriously. But I digress.
BOTTOM LINE: There are a HUGE variety of mummy movie options. Many even with the name The Mummy. THIS The Mummy with Tom Cruise is fun and entertaining, though not for younger kids who might not be as amused as the more jaded of us by cliched over-the-top monster scenarios. Those who are panning this Mummy I think just don’t get it. The Mummy is not intended for introspective thoughful watching. It’s simply a comic book hoot. And that’s a wrap. Mums the word. Go home now – your mummy’s calling you.

NOT YOUR MOM’S FREAKY FRIDAY – THIS IS A FABULOUS PLAY!!!

In 1976 Disney came out with a really dumb movie called Freaky Friday starring Barbara Harris and a VERY young Jodie Foster about a mother and daughter who get their wish to be each other for a day. It’s the old – careful what you wish for. The daughter thinks her mom has it easy because she has all the control. The mom thinks the daughter’s position is a toddle because all she has to do all day is go to school, come home and snack. Both are, of course, wrong. But the story, as presented, is silly and superficial, trite and leans heavily on all the cliched generation gap misunderstandings. They didn’t do any better with the Shelley Long version in 1995 or the Jamie Lee Curtis version in 2003.
 
So when my husband bought tickets to go see the new musical version I had to laugh. Why not? On vacation, let’s be brainless. By intermission my husband and I turned to each other almost simultaneously and said “Our kids have GOT to see this!!!” The music is catchy with clever lyrics, the script is funny and fast paced. The acting in the one we saw with Heidi Blickenstaff as mother Katherine and Emma Hunton as daughter Ellie were absolutely brilliant and totally believable. The singing was stunning and powerful but nuanced with “attitude” and comic timing. And most importantly it has a really good PLOT! I guarantee you will see yourself somewhere in this play – as the parent, as the child, as the sibling – older or younger – or as all at some point in your life. To see yourself as others see you. Prepare to laugh – a LOT – but bring some kleenex too.
 
Instead of a throw away one-note gimmick, the tale here is of a widowed mom, Katherine, on the eve of remarriage trying to hold together her fledgling catering company and her fragile family – still traumatized and battered by the untimely death of the father 6 years before. (AGAIN underlining the importance of the DAD!!!) The father leaves his wife and daughter each a “magic” hourglass, as though knowing this day would come. And at the apex of the stresses from the wedding preparation, a journalist about to do a story on the mom’s business, the daughter’s crush on Adam, the popular guy in class, and a simple conflict in scheduling – well, they get their respective wishes. Fleshing out the cast is: an adorable 10 year old little brother, Fletcher, who is looking forward to having a Dad again; Mike, the deeply patient and understanding fiance; Katherine’s underappreciated assistant; Katherine’s oblivious parents; a timely parent-teacher meeting; some teenaged angst; a class cutting up frogs in biology class and….a treasure hunt. And yes all these elements work together like gears in a clock to make a funny, warm, insightful, catchy, brilliant little musical. I think this the best thing Disney has done in years.
 
While focusing mostly on the mother and daughter, the supporting cast is not forgotten. Each gets a moment to shine. And the ensemble group is utilized to the full as well. There are some moments in the play which would have done Mozart proud – as at times there are upwards of 6 people singing in the same song about their different agendas or perspectives – and it all makes sense (think the ensemble song “Tonight” in West Side Story or the Act II and IV octet finales in Mozart’s Marriage of Figaro).
 
The songs each have a personality of their own as well – from the cocky “I Got This” where Katherine and Ellie assume pretending to be each other will be a breeze, to the lyrical heartbreaking “After All of This and Everything” which Ellie, in Katherine’s body sings to a sleeping Fletcher, to the bitterly funny “Parents Lie”, and the just plain old cute “Women and Sandwiches” which Adam sings to Fletcher in an attempt to explain the fascination women have for him and will one day have for Fletcher.
 
If you want to get a preview of Freaky Friday you can hear the songs on Youtube.
The play opened October 4, 2016 in Arlington, VA and we were blessed with being able to see the original cast leads in Houston. This play will, no doubt, make the rounds around the country – or be filmed at some point. But don’t let the previous original versions put you off. This is a truly “magical” play.
FIND and go see this play SOMEWHERE!!!!!!

WONDER WOMAN – DC FINALLY HITS A HOME RUN!!!!!

SHORT TAKE:

Wonder Woman is a true corker of an action adventure hero story as well as a genuine class act of good military mission story combined with a super hero origin story and some honest to goodness Christian virtue and humility – ALL – astonishingly and surprisingly, with a woman in the lead.

MY TAKE – SPOILERS!!! Though I will try to keep them to the minimum necessary to make my points.

As much as I like Scarlett Johanssen as an actress and Black Widow as a character, there is a reason I think Marvel has never planned an origin story for her. I just do not think – or DID not think – a woman could carry off a lead action adventure super hero story. In addition, I grew up with Linda Carter’s red, white and blue over flowing D cup and lasso in one of the cheesiest TV shows ever filmed. So when I heard they had proposed a Wonder Woman movie I thought they had designed a ship made with a hole already in the hull. But I was wrong.

First off – and I say this as a card carrying heterosexual – Gal Gadot is one of the most stunningly beautiful women I have ever seen. And the Amazons she is a member of do not try to fight like men. The writers wisely make sensible use of women’s lithe agility and maneuverability, concentrating on their ability with bows rather than strength. In addition, Ms. Gadot is an honest to goodness hero, herself, having spent two years as the sports trainer with the Israeli Defense Corps. In addition, she had swordsmanship, Kung Fu kickboxing, Capoeira and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu training in preparation to play Diana. So when she appears to be kicking some genuine a** – well boys, I wouldn’t cross her.

Second – there is a really good plot. And I don’t just mean a compelling well held together story about a group on a mission to stop the production of a super killer gas at the crucial point of armistice during World War I – though this part of the story was well thought out. I mean that there is a timely theme of Christian mercy, forgiveness, honor, noble purpose, compassion and acceptance of mankind’s sinful but redeemable nature, which foundationally supports the excellent Desperate Journey like mission on which the group embarks.

Third – there is humor. The story never takes itself completely seriously. It is fully aware there is a comic book flavor to it. The story unfolds almost as though – ala Princess Bride – a grandpa is relaying a story of which he was proudly a part to an adoring grandchild. But it never makes fun of nor disrespects the genre or the conceptual impetus which is the genius behind the basics of the story.

Fourth: Attention is given to detail. Things that happen later in the movie are naturally set up earlier in the plot. There aren’t any cheats. In addition, there are moments of revelation for each of the characters which give just enough back story to help understand their motives without throwing it in your face. The writers and director have confidence in the audience’s ability to understand the characters but allow the characters some privacy. For example, Ewen Bremner’s Charlie is supposed to be a marksmen, but at a crucial moment can’t shoot. He later has a terrible nightmare which is never explained. But Sameer tells Diana that everyone struggles with their own demons.

Fifth: There's a wonderful supporting cast, including, among others I mention, Chris (Captain Kirk) Pine as Steve Trevor – Diana's companion-in-arms.

Sixth: There are some terrific small moments. For example: Diana and Sameer (Said Taghmaoui) have a "language – off". He says he can speak a number of languages and quips to her in a foreign language, to which she replies, then she says something else in another language, to which he responds, and back and forth. Finally she throws him some "ancient Greek" to which he concedes defeat. Then Steve comments: "Are you two done now?"

IMPORTANT SPOILERS FOLLOWS!!!!! DON’T SAY I DIDN’T WARN YOU!

Foretellingly the Chief (Eugene Brave Rock), Sameer and Steve run through what feels like a ritual script:

Chief: Let's get what we want.

Sameer: Get what we need.

{NOTE: KEY LINE NEXT}

Steve Trevor: And never get what we deserve.

It will make perfect sense when the time comes.

Near the beginning Diana rescues Steve from a crashed plane as he is drowning. The only thing he manages to save from the plane is the pocket watch his father had given him. When he later gives it to Diana it occurred to me the film makers beautifully were making the point that Steve, from the moment Diana pulled him from the water, was living off of borrowed time – time Diana had given him and which Steve then symbolically passes, baton-like, in gratitude, back to her.

In an incredible scene Diana insists on interrupting their primary mission to help a beleaguered village being abused by German soldiers. When the others in the mission group, including Steve, refuse, saying they don’t have time, Diana decides to go alone through "no man’s land" – a front line demarcating the two enemy lines for which no one has seen a change in months. Diana sheds her disguise and walks into battle singlehandedly taking on the bullets of an entire front line – thereby spurring Steve and his companions to follow her and give her support which in turn inspires the rest of the soldiers to follow, which breaks the enemy line. At no point does she say "but I am not a man". The scene is so well done that she really kind of earned the right to say it but in a moment of tremendous restraint and class the writers do not succumb to the temptation.

And there are a myriad other comments and moments which make this film rise head and shoulders above, not just most of the infamously bad DC movies like Batman V Superman or the trite Suicide Squad but also the in-your-face bad taste that was Deadpool or the ho hum of the later Toby McGuire attempts at Spiderman.

I really can’t praise or recommend this movie highly enough. I would even venture to elevate this from "movie" to the status of "film" in that there is literacy and literature within.

This is not at all to say it doesn’t ALSO fit the rock ‘em sock ‘em action adventure mold. There’s plenty of amazing heroics, superhero gymnastics, bad guy pulverizing, magic swords and super hero feats of daring do. But these fit neatly and seamlessly into a well crafted movie against a backdrop of humans trying to do their moral best in a time of great evil. Were the language heightened to iambic pentameter I think Shakespeare would have given it his nod.

 

DC should be very very proud of this latest installment. If you liked Christopher Reeves Superman, The Avengers, both Captain Americas, and Iron Man then you are going to LOVE Wonder Woman.

Mighty DC has FINALLY NOT struck out. Well done DC.

MEMORIAL DAY MEMORIES AND MOVIES

SHORT TAKE:

While contemplating my favorite Memorial Day weekend appropriate movies I thought of: my Dad, some movies I didn’t see on anyone else’s list, and some classic favorites, in that order.MEMORIAL DAY – MY DAD, THE PATRIOT

When contemplating Memorial Day and patriotism I do so, unabashedly, through my father’s eyes. Billy Ashton Weisfeld was a radarman on the destroyer Breckenridge during World War II back in the day when radar was so top secret just talking about it outside of their classrooms could land them in Portsmouth Naval Prison. He was very proud of his service and I have always been proud of him. And I see patriotism through the filter of his definitions. He was the one who risked his life for four years. He earned that right.

He taught me to stand during the pledge of allegiance and during the Star Spangled Banner. I remember, sometime during junior high we had a choir teacher who refused to instruct us to stand while we practiced the Star Spangled Banner. I remember being very upset about this and making an impassioned plea on behalf of the men and women who were currently fighting and dying in Vietnam. My arguments fell on deaf eras. (Ironic for a choir teacher.) However, when I approached my parents with my dilemma my Dad took me for an appointment with the principal. I made my case and thereafter we stood for the Star Spangled Banner – whether in performance or practice.

On a more humorous note my Dad and I went to see Poltergeist at the theater in 1982. I don’t know if any of you will remember this but it starts with the TV actually “signing off” for the day as stations were wont to do back then. The end of the programming day was heralded with – The Star Spangled Banner. Not even realizing it was the beginning of the movie – not that it would have made much difference – when the Anthem began, my Dad immediately stood up and I stood with him —– by ourselves —– because it was just the beginning of the movie. I can’t help but chuckle to this day. But, funny as that was, I was and am so proud of him for that. It is one of my favorite memories.

Now, while my Dad, thankfully, did not lose his life during the war – obviously, given these recollections from events which took place in the early ’60’s and ’80’s – he did lose his hearing. His radar station was beneath the big guns which classically blast out during every sea based World War II movie, booming noises rattling your seats even before Extreme Digital was a thing. Though he was fully entitled to disability from the government he refused to apply, saying that his service had been a privilege. Again, I was very proud of my father for his attitude.

I know Memorial Day is to honor those who died fighting for our country and her ideals. My father would have been the first to shy from comparing his efforts to those who never got a chance to offer decades to America, but much like the white martyrs of the Catholic church, my Dad gave his entire life in the service of the ideals of his country by the way he lived and by inculcating those ideals to his children. In return I and my siblings and our spouses have tried to pay it forward to our children.

MOVIES – THE UNSUNG HEROES

There are a plethora of really good patriotic movies. There are a handful on my list which I did not find on anyone else’s.

Now an advisory. There are some well done movies about war which do not deserve to be placed on this list. They are movies which I admit are creative, artistic, fascinating, even literary masterpieces. But they do not deserve a place with these better brethren because they do not respect America, her ideals or the reasons for which we went to war. America fights not to conquer but to free. We are the only major power who has not colonized as victors. Instead of taking Kuwait as a territory we freed it. Instead of laying claim to the areas we won during World War II we asked only, as General Powell notably said, for enough ground to bury our dead.  America protects the innocent, feeds the hungry, heals the broken, adopts the homeless, and helps our enemies to get back on their own feet. This philosophy was even immortalized in an affectionate jab of political satire called The Mouse That Roared wherein a small destitute country attacks America just to be defeated so she can receive much needed aid. The movies that do not recognize or respect that distinctly American tradition and morality do not deserve a place with this group any more than does the coward who Patton famously slapped belonged in the military hospital, demoralizing the wounded soldiers. So —- I won’t mention them here, but I suspect you know the ones to which I refer.

This first group of Memorial Day-worthy movies are ones which I did not find on many, if any, prominent list, because of political correctness, age of the film, or plain old quirkiness.

The Green Berets – A classic old John Wayne movie about the Vietnam War – likely the ONLY movie which extolled the virtues of why we went there in the first place, made at a time when we were told the plan was to win. Liberal reporter David Janssen and patriot John Wayne as Green Beret Colonel Kirby face off in an in-country expedition to explore our original mission: to defeat the cancerous brutal totalitarian political structure of Communism then creeping into Southeast Asia, and to provide humanitarian aid to Communism’s indigenous victims.


The Scarlet and the Black – Based on the actual account of Msgr. Hugh O’Flaherty, Gregory (To Kill a Mockingbird) Peck portrays this brave priest at the Vatican during World War II who aids in the sequestration and rescue of thousands of Jews under the nose of the reigning Nazis who surround it and infest Italy.


Victory – another based on a true story – starring Sylvester Stallone, Michael Caine and real life soccer legend Pele, the story is about the soccer game between an international group of POWs and German soldiers. The intent, much like the 1936 Berlin Olympics, was to prove German “superiority” by publicly humiliating the non-German losers. Needless to say, like their Olympic failure to Jesse Owens, it backfired spectacularly.

The Russians are Coming, the Russians are Coming – comedy this time. At the height of the Cold War, a Russian submarine Captain, (Theodore Bikel, who later became known as the Klingon Worf’s adoptive human father from Star Trek: The Next Generation) runs aground off Gloucester Island. The Captain just wanted to get a look at America to satisfy his own completely non-political curiosity and got a little…too…close.  Stuck on a sandbar, the Captain and his crew faced American imprisonment as spies on one hand and lethal Russian retribution if suspected of trying to defect on the other. So to prevent an international incident, not to mention his own capture, extradition and likely execution, he sends a team out headed by Alan Arkin as Lt. Rozanov, to find a way to pull the sub free before the submarine is discovered. This hilarious, and warm-hearted comedy also stars Brian Keith, Jonathan Winters and Carl Reiner, along with a plethora of familiar funny faces. I picked this one because it is a demonstration, albeit done in an affectionate parody, of how average American citizen-patriot/soldiers, willing to die to protect America and her ideals, are also willing to extend friendship, show common ground, and offer protection to the helpless when the opportunity arises, even to our enemies.

1776 – A musical – WAIT! THAT MAKES THIS ONE LITERALLY A SUNG HERO – or, at least singING ones – if you can believe it, about the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Paraphrasing the last sentence of the Declaration, these 56 men, with hope in the protection of Divine Providence, pledged to support that Declaration with their lives, their fortunes and their sacred honor. Many saw their homes burned, their families abused, their children vanished. Some died in poverty or from wounds or torture. Some lost sons on the battlefield. Thomas Nelson, Jr., (who does not feature in this movie but whose sacrifice deserves mention) just as an example, discovering Cornwallis had encamped in his palatial home, fired the cannon to destroy it himself – and died a bankrupt. 1776 concerns who these Founding Fathers were and why they came together to so devote themselves – only they do it in song. 1776 mostly focuses on John Adams (William Daniels), Thomas Jefferson (Ken Howard) and Benjamin Franklin’s (Howard DeSilva) efforts to acquire unanimous consent on breaking with the British Empire. One of the most charming aspects of this little known film is the conversations the otherwise “obnoxious and disliked”  John has with his wife Abigail (Virginia Vestoff). Lifted from the pages of the letters between the real John and Abigail, these interchanges manifest themselves in bittersweet duets wherein they engage in playful banter and loving longing, unable to touch because they are really only conversing by written exchange.
Kelly’s Heroes – OK I hesitated to include this movie, because it rides right up to the line of being one of those anti-war films, BUT I do not think crosses that line. This is one of my favorite movies. A comedy-drama starring Clint (directs everything & cut his teeth on about a million spaghetti westerns) Eastwood, Donald (Hunger Games) Sutherland in one of the quirkiest roles you will ever see him in, Carroll O’Conner, and Don Rickles, about a group of exhausted soldiers near the end of World War II who find out about an enormous cache of German gold in a bank deep behind enemy lines. They plan to steal the gold the Germans have stolen. In the process, a general, played by Carroll O’Conner believing they are a gung-ho troop, decides to honor their apparent courage and follow them right into the heart of the offensive, breaking the German front line.
MOVIE STANDARDS
The ones in this next group are, and deserve to be, on just about everyone’s list of movies that exemplify the best of American courage and ideals in battle.
Patton – Brilliant portrayal by the unequalled George C. Scott of the ultimate patriot and complexity that was American General George S. Patton during the pinnacle achievement of his battlefield career. The movie follows Patton’s astonishing and irreplaceable contribution to winning the European theater during World War II for the Allies as well as the egotism which was almost his undoing. Brilliant military strategist and tank commander, inexhaustible commander who led from the front, never asking his men to go where he would not. Known as Old Blood and Guts he unabashedly prayed and wept openly for wounded soldiers, stood in open battle, fiercely loved and fought for America – he was probably our greatest American soldier.
The Longest Day – an ensemble accounting of D-Day starting with the preceding days waiting desperately for a break in the weather – with a cast which included some of the biggest stars of the time, including Sean (James Bond) Connery, Red Buttons, Henry Fonda, Richard (West Side Story) Beymer, George Segall, (THE) John Wayne, Kenneth More, Jeffrey (Captain Pike from the first Star Trek pilot) Hunter, Robert Wagner, Rod Stieger and Richard Burton!!! and more! If the names don’t ring a bell, look them up in us.imdb.com and if you are at ALL a classic movie afficionado I guarantee you will recognize at least one of the movies in which they have featured. The movie covers beach landings and straffings, the French resistence, parachute drops, hand to hand combat, a battle inside the town of  Sainte-Mère-Église, the Normandy advance. It combines beautiful individual moments as well as grand sweeping action about the turning point of the European portion of the war.
Guns of Navarone – very loosed inspired by the real Battle of Leros during World War II and starring David Niven and (again) Gregory Peck, the story revolves around a covert Allied mission to sabotage massive German battleship-killer guns on the Greek Island of Navarone. Classic heroism.
Battle of the Bulge – based very loosely on the Counteroffensive of Ardennes, it condenses months of preparation and campaigning into a few days. Starring Henry Fonda, Robert (Jaws) Shaw, Telly Savalas & Charles Bronson, it is another classic.
Schindler’s List – Heart breaking, and deeply moving drama about Oscar Schindler, an opportunist, Nazi collaborator and war profiteer who, in one brief shining Divinely inspired period of his life decides to risk his life, manipulate his Nazi connections and spend his life’s fortune saving over 3,000 Jews destined for the gas chamber. While neither American nor a soldier, Schindler risked everything for same ideals for which our American soldiers risk, as well as sabotaged his own military’s bombs, which in turn protected our soldiers.
American Sniper – directed by Clint (Kelly’s Heroes) Eastwood, tells the story of the military career of Chris Kyle, the decorated and deadliest American sniper in military history, and his heroic commitment to his fellow soldiers during the Iraqi War. A stand out, not only for telling Kyle’s story, but for the astonishing performance by Bradley (voice of Rocket from Guardians of the Galaxy) Cooper. Cooper transforms himself from a nerdy accountant physique with a hyperactive personality in A-Team to looking like Dwayne Johnson’s little brother with the “gentle giant” demeanor to go with the size. He did, I think, Navy Seal Kyle proud.
The Great Escape – one of the best war movies ever made. Starring, among others: Steve McQueen, James Coburn, Richard (Jurassic Park) Attenborough, and Charles Bronson. The screenplay is based on the book about the biggest mass escape from any German POW camp ever – Stalag Luft II in Sagan, Poland during World War II. The Germans made the critical mistake of putting the most ingenious serial escapees in a single prison, reasoning they could keep them all more closely guarded. What they did not consider was that together they made a formidable escape army. 600 men planned the tunnel escape of 200 men, none expecting to acquire permanent freedom but primarily to cause confusion and chaos behind enemy lines. These men succeeded in creating the most time expensive, personnel consuming recapture plans the Nazis ever required. This movie is a distinguished and honorable tribute to these internationally mixed heroes.
The Hunt for Red October – Cold War era defector Sean Connery sneaks a game changing silent submarine out of Communist Russia. Although not an American soldier, he and his men risked their lives to protect our country, as well as the world, from the brutality of Communist Russia.
There are many more, but let me leave you with the names of others which should definitely be on your bucket list:
Black Hawk Down
Monuments Men
13 Hours
Sole Survivor
Hacksaw Ridge
We Were Soldiers
The Alamo
The Patriot
If you can’t find a really good inspiring movie highlighting patriotism and the American spirit to watch this week – then you’re not really trying.

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES – A FLICK TOO FAR

SHORT TAKE

Yet ANOTHER in a series of weaker and weaker installments of Pirates of the Caribbean movies, which, nonetheless, still has a few surprisingly good moments (and I do mean teeny tiny moments), mostly thanks to Geoffrey Rush, about the importance of fatherhood.

SPOILERS

I admit, I saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales anticipating, regretfully, that I would have to write a scathingly dismissive pan for this fifth installment in this series of decreasingly inventive franchise offerings. While I was, unfortunately, not wrong, there is reason to reinforce my belief that “NO one TRIES to make a bad movie”.  Amazingly, I found aspects to commend and which deserve some applause.

Before I get there I have to first express dismay – did the director just tell the crew: “Follow Depp around as he pin balls from place to place as Jack Sparrow and we’ll write a script around whatever he’s doing”???

Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t want to not like this movie. I even went wearing my Pirates of the Caribbean earrings my kids gave me for Mother’s Day years ago for the opening of a previous P of C installment.

But these movies suffer from what in the sci fi world could be described as “replicative fading” – the tendency of copies of copies to become less well defined, more replete with mistakes and less richly detailed than the predecessors until at last the descendants are no longer viable. Do they not think they have perhaps milked enough out of an idea which began as a SINGLE EXHIBIT IN A DISNEY THEME PARK RIDE!!!  I think this parrot has ceased to be (apologies to Monty Python and the Dead Parrot sketch).

The stories, after the first one wherein Depp brilliantly stepped onto a dock from the crow’s nest of a sinking ship, now seem to slap dash about from one preposterous situation to another as Depp bounces around doing pratfalls: falling off a tall fence into a muddy pig pen, being dragged down the street with his foot attached to a rope by horses pulling a….well, a HOUSE down a street, evading ghost pirates by lassoing a ghost shark, and pirouetting on a board as a guillotine slides back and forth within inches of his neck. His previous incarnations of the worst pirate Commadore Norrington had ever heard of: engaged in a sword fight while running in a water wheel, fought with squid headed sailors, and drunkenly swung invincibly from chandeliers, ropes and off house tops. All this with ZERO suspense as we know he will escape unharmed.

Sparrow’s antics are often reminiscent of other more original vaudeville-like routines from other movies and eras: Chaplin’s Little Tramp’s breakdown in Modern Times where the Tramp misses being crushed by centimeters as he cavorts through gears and machinery; or perhaps Baby Herman’s parkour crawl from Who Framed Roger Rabbit around the increasingly dangerous kitchen as Roger attempts to rescue him; or maybe just the Three Stooges as they endure falls, impacts and encounters with lethal implements with only minor scratches and the occasional blackened hair to show for it.  But Depp’s Sparrow simply leans heavily on these creative giants, no longer bringing anything original or inventive to the slap stick. While there are a lot of cartoon deaths, you know Sparrow will live to stagger another day. Without him there IS no Pirates franchise. So there’s really no serious tension.

Meanwhile, though they can’t do without him they don’t seem to do much with him either. His character has become less the center of focus and more like Puck, flitting between the other characters, igniting chaos and consequences with which the others must deal, getting himself away repercussion free.

While I really don’t mind that, I do mind the fact that the writers don’t even TRY to convince you anything bad will happen to Sparrow any more. The unlikelihood of Sparrow being even injured takes away all healthy suspense and tension from the film, which, in turn, takes away all the ebb and flow of emotion which sparks humor.

As for the other characters:. Disney HAD to try to set up the “next generation” Will-Elizabeth paring. But Brenton Thwaites who plays Henry Turner, son of Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan,  and Kaya Scodelaria, who plays Carina Smyth, the supposed leads/new love interests  have absolutely….no…chemistry…between … them….what-so-ever. While Will and Elizabeth (reprised briefly here by Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightly) had a life long history which made their bond credible, Henry and Carina have only just met under absurd circumstances. They are arrested, escape, captured, and rescued from execution via one more ridiculous scenario after another: Because she is a women expressing an interest in science she is declared a witch. Henry is the sole survivor of a shipwreck so is condemned to death. Carina finds out Henry is after the Trident as well so springs him from his chains in return for an alliance but is herself arrested and sent to the gallows. Henry hires Jack’s old crew to save both Carina and Jack from execution — and on and on. It’s silly, and as though the writers couldn’t think of a legitimate plot, they just invented one “escape room” after another to challenge their intrepid heroes. When in doubt – have someone chase them and, like Bugs Bunny, they always manage to get away.

And you know what else is annoying: They absolutely WASTE David Wenham (Faramir from Lord of the Rings)  in  unrecognizable makeup and cliche bad guy lines and Paul McCartney!!!!! in a cameo under Halloween quantity makeup and facial hair.

NO ONE TRIES TO MAKE A BAD MOVIE:

There is a small gem to be dug up. Once again reinforcing my belief that NO one tries to make a bad movie, P of C: Dead Men has an underlying thread of essential purpose hiding, like Paul McCartney, under all the totally unnecessary and fairly ludicrous accessories.

Both the lead characters – Henry and Carina – are on Chataquas inspired by their respective fathers. Henry is trying to find Poseidon’s Trident in order to use it (somehow) to release Will from his curse and return him back to the family fold. Carina is determined to follow her father’s diary to find this same Trident as a legacy to him.

Once again, instinctively, against the will and wishes of every P.C. promoter in Hollywood, they can not seem to avoid the irresistible truth that FATHERS ARE AT THE CORE OF EVERY CHILD. For better or worse the fathers of Henry and Carina are the true leads of this movie – mostly unseen in the former case and a mystery in the latter, the fathers propel the plot (such as it is) and most of the motivations.

Which brings me to a shining moment of three dimensional coalescence in the form of Geoffrey Rush’s Barbossa. Rush is an astonishing actor: David Helfgott in Shine, Hans Hubermann in The Book Thief, Lionel Logue – King George’s teacher – in The King’s Speech, Javert in the prose version of Les Miserables, Peter Sellers in The Life and Death of Peter Sellers, Philip “I don’t know, it’s a mystery” Henslowe in Shakespeare in Love, even the voice of Nigel the Aussie Pelican in Finding Nemo – the man is a versatile, nuanced, and powerful actor; a chameleon, like Dustin Hoffman, who can singlehandedly suck you into the world of the movie in which he resides. Make no mistake, even Rush can not shore up this shaky step down into the sink hole that has become the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.

However, Rush manages to knead a few lovely moments out of this Playdough of a script and gift us with a last couple of surprises. When Carina tells Barbossa where she got her father’s diary, Rush doesn’t have to say a word, but like the walk Jimmy Stewart’s George Bailey takes at the train station in It’s a Wonderful Life when George decides to sacrifice his own future for his brother’s happiness, we watch Barbossa’s face as he walks away from the young woman that fate has thrown in his path. We understand in the next few seconds by his expression, his gaited walk and his thousand yard stare that he has just realized Carina is his daughter. Of course it is on the strength of Rush’s portrayal alone which makes this moment both believable and moving and which makes his inevitable sacrifice for her later the real genuine and satisfying ending to this series. There is NOTHING before this in the plot which would suggest this connection; nothing in the way the actress behaves, nothing she says, which would give the audience a fair hint that she and Barbossa had a connection.  It was as though the script’s instructions were: “On the word ‘orphanage’ Geoffrey Rush proceeds to act the SNOT out of the moment to carry this scene, because we’ve been too busy working in absurd Captain Jack ‘schticks’ to write an actual plot.” 

Barbossa’s death should have been the penultimate scene of the movie. From the first there has been the push and pull of Barbossa and Sparrow. Without Barbossa there is only the Sparrow clown left and had the creators ANY sense at all they would have let this franchise end – not with a bang but with the whispered word “Treasure” – Barbossa’s description to Carina of what she is to him just before he dies.

FINAL GRIPES:

We homeschooled six kids from Kindergarten through high school graduation, so we were around our kids a LOT. And I have told them, probably, hundreds of times: You can get away with a lot if you can make me laugh. And I could have forgiven much in this movie if they had been funny. But sadly, even though this is supposed to be a comedy, the moments are barely worth the occasional smile.

Pintel and Ragetti – the pirate Abbot and Costello part of Barbossa’s crew – the thick bald guy and the skinny one whose eye keeps popping out – who provided occasional Greek chorus like quips during the first movies have been replaced with a forgettable pair who I would not be able to point out in a line up. Pintel and Ragetti were sort of adorable buffoons. The new guys are neither recognizable nor have any distinguishing characteristics to make them stand out in the crowd of pirates.

I’m not sure the writers and producers really know their audience any more – which is a downright tragedy for a franchise that’s been going on for 14 years.

ONE SMALL CONSOLATION

It was actually quite nice to see Bloom and Knightly reprise their respective roles at the tip end as Turner and Swan and reunite after the curse is broken.


SAVE US!!!!!

HOWEVER, the writers apparently think they will be able to squeeze yet another pathetic replicant out of this failing enterprise. There is a reveal after the credits finish rolling as Turner and Swan lie contentedly asleep together as husband and wife. (And, yes, I’m one of those people who stay to marvel at the enormity of digital artists there are, listen to the epilogue medley of themes, and watch for “fun” credits such as “hand models” and “bee wranglers” – OK so I’m easily amused. AND I’ve been doing this YEARS before “Easter eggs” started cropping up in the credits.) Clues during this extra scene indicate there likely will be yet ANOTHER P of C!!! This speculation is hammered home if you check out us.imbd.com. Type “Pirates of the” into the search engine and you will find “Pirates of the Caribbean 6"…………………………. *sigh*